Fright of Their Lives

Okay

Listen up, I'm not gonna lie

Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly

Or scare a seagull off of a fry

You ever stop to ask yourselves "Why?"

Both of you are super polite

Middle class, suburban, and white

Well, all of that is finished tonight

Except for the white part, obviously

Take your places

I want scary faces

Now go!

Bigger, further, harder

Not bad

Sever a head

Preferably someone you know

Look at me, I'm so scary

Don't be so vanilla

Would a little anger kill ya?

C'mon, drop your panties

I'm trying to fill you

With wisdom and skill

And the instinct to kill

Again, we do not want to kill anyone

Fine! But somehow, someway

You gotta make 'em see ya'

I'm talkin' jump scares

The jerky Japanese ghost-walk, plus

Learn to throw your voice

Fool your friends

Fun at parties

Now that is cool!

I wanna do that!

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Raising the stakes by punching a baby

Scare 'em awake 'til they break

They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you

Put all the farmer's markets behind you

You've gotta work

Gotta haunt 'til it hurts through the night

And give those guys the fright of their lives

Yeah, yeah!

Let's start with things that you hate

Hate's a very strong word

Perhaps when people are late

Or getting pooped on by birds

No, what fills you with rage?

Being mean to a pet

Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette

Over-glutinous food

Or when kids call me "dude"

Oh, I find that so rude!

Well, there's lots there to use

Take a deep breath

And give me your best primal scream

Ah!

Barbara, that was brilliant!

Really?

Try it again

Maybe this time pretend like you mean it

Ah!

That was even better!

Thanks!

I want freedom

But to get my freedom I need them

To get a living person to say my name

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?

I know that beggars can't be choosers

But do they have to be such losers?

Both of them are deathly dull and lame

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse

Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters?

Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better

Somebody with gravitas

Somebody to fear who

Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse

So, we can kind of hear you

Yeah?

Well, that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Turn all the lights on

Dress like a baby

Adam, I don't even— no!

Get your heads in the game

Let's hide their phones

Screw their phones!

Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless

How will I ever survive?

Unless they get the fright of their lives (yes, yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!)

They gotta get the fright of their lives (we're scary, very, very, scary!)

They'll never get the fright of their lives (yeah!)