The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

Hey, folks! Begging your pardon

'Scuse me, sorry to barge in

Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole

Y'know, "being dead" thing

You're doomed, enjoy the singing

The sword of Damocles is swinging

And if I hear your cell-phone ringing

I'll kill you myself

The whole "being dead" thing

Death can get a person stressed

"We should have carpe'd way more diems

Now we're never gonna see 'em"

I can show you what comes next

So don't be freaked

Stay in your seats

I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week

So just relax, you'll be fine

Drink your fifty-dollar wine

And take a breath

Welcome to a show about death

You're

You're gonna be fine

On the other side

Die! You're all gonna die!

You're all gonna die!

I'll, I'll be your guide

To the other side

Though in full disclosure

It's a show about death

Everybody gets on fine here

Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here

The women's bathroom has no line here just

Pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing

You're just gonna love the folks here

Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here

And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here

The whole, the whole "being" dead thing!

Nobody is bullet-proof

"I work out, I eat clean!"

Jesus, pass the Dramamine

Time to face the brutal truth (Dies Irae)

'Cause we're all on a hit list

Might not live 'till Christmas

Choke to death on Triscuits

Hey, that just statistics

So take a little break here

Kinda like a wake here

The scenery is fake here

But there's a giant snake here

♪

Welcome to a show about death!

You're, you're gonna be fine

Thank you!

On the other side

How you doin'?

Oh, not good!

I'll, I'll be your guide

To the other side

Seriously, though, this is a show about

Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new

There's nothing medical professionals can do

'Cept maybe just bill you

If you die while listening to this album

It's still gonna keep playing

There's no destiny or fate

Just a terrifying wait

Filled with people that you hate

And on a certain date, the universe kills you!

That's the thing with life

No one makes it out alive

Toss that body in the pit

"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"

Blah, blah, "Bible Jesus" magic

When you're dead, who gives a shit?

"No pilates, no more yoga"

"Namaste", you freakin' posers

From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae)

Death just needs a little conversation

I have mastered the art (Dies Irae)

Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae)

So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae)

On the whole "being dead" thing

God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!