The Contest

I am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of da barbers

Da barber of kings

E buon giorno, good day, I blow you a kiss

And I da so-famous Pirelli

I wish-a to know-a who has-a da nerve-a

To say my elixir is piss? Who says this?

I do, I am Mr. Sweeney Todd

And I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's Elixir

And I say to you, it is nothing but an errant fraud

And furthermore, I have serviced no kings

Yet I wager that I can shave a cheek

And pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity

Than any street mountebank

You hear zis foolish man? Watch and see

How he will regret his folly.

Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Glad as always to oblige

My friends and neighbors

Ready? Ready, ready.

The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner

Now, signorini, signori, we mix a da lather

But first a you gather around, signorini, signori

You looking a man who have had a

Da glory to shave-a da Pope

Mr. Sweeney, so smart

Oh, I beg-a you pardon

Call me a lie, was a only a cardinal

Nope, it was-a da Pope

Perhaps, signorini, signori

You like-a I tell-a, da famous-a story

Of Queen Isabella

Da Queen of-a Polan'

Whose toot' was-a swollen

I pull it so nice from her mout'

That-a though to begin

She's a screaming-a murder

She's later-a swoon-a with bliss

An' was heard-a to shout

Pull all of 'em out

To shave-a da face, to pull-a da toot'

Require da grace and not a da brute

For if-a you a-slip, you nick da skin

You clip-a da chin, you rip-a da lip a bit

And dat's-a da trut'

To shave-a da face or even a part

Widout it-a smart require da heart

It take-a da art, I show you a chart

I study-a starting in my yout'

To cut-a da hair, to trim-a da beard

To make-a da bristle clean like a whistle

Dis is from early infancy

Da talent give to me by God

It take-a da skill, it take-a da brains

It take-a da will to take-a da pains

It take-a da pace, it take-a da grace

The winner is Todd

Smooth as a baby's arse

And now who's for a tooth pulling

Free without charge

Me, sir, me, sir, who else? No one?

Then sir, since there is no means

To test the second skill

I claim the victory

Wait, one moment, wait

You, boy, get on that chair

Me, signor? Oh, not a tooth, sir

I beg of you, I ain't got a twinge

Not the tiniest pain, I

You do now

We see who is zee victor now

Ready? Ready, ready.

To pull-a da toot' widout-a da skill

Can damage da root

Now hold-a da still an' if-a you slip

You grip a bit, you hit da pit of it

Or chip-a da tip and have-a to fill

To pull-a da toot' widout-a da grace

You leave-a da space all over da place

You try to erase widout-a da trace

Sometimes is da case you even-a kill

To hold-a da clamp widout-a da cramp

Wid all dat saliva, it could-a drive-a you crazy

Don' mutter or back-a you go to da gutter

My touch is as light as a butter-a cup

I take-a da pains, I learn-a da art

I use-a da brains, I give-a da heart

I have-a da grace, I win-a da race

I give-a da up.